I did it! (Now, do I want it?)

Daddy and baby are snoring together in the reinvigorated family bed (teething has put a little dent in the sleeping patterns here at the cottage), but my mind is racing too hard to nap.

You see, I finally did it...after all the applications and interviews and sorry's and no, i'm sorry's and horrid commutes and almost-fits, I finally landed my pretty-much-dream-job - - - running a school-based garden and nutrition education program. So, YAY for me, I finally nailed it! I can be righteously psyched about a position, AND qualified for it, AND they can be excited to have me on board, AND it can pay a good salary, AND it can be a doable commute. See, it is out there!

Funny, though, how this baby thing makes the dream job seem a little less than practical! I'm trying to decide whether to take the offer, and I'm realizing that maybe 1/2 a dream job would be more suited to my current situation. Because though the job is dreamy, it doesn't offer very suitable conditions for motherhood. No on-site daycare, no working from home, no baby at work, no part-time flexibility...and I'm having a very hard time visualizing how I could leave my little man at 7 and not see him until 5 when I really don't have to. I'm not sure that the personal satisfaction gained from working would really outweigh the likelihood that I will miss out on my kid learning how to crawl, to walk, and to talk. Yes, I know plenty of people do it, many of you have done it, but it is tough. Harder than gritting my teeth through our current 1950's gender role experiment that has me handling never-ending laundry loads and dinner prep.

I know it is doable - if I wanted it bad enough we could work out childcare and share more household chores and make it work. The baby will be fine and healthy either way, god willing. I applied for the job because I couldn't let it slip by without knowing whether it was the fit for my experience and my goals that it seemed to be. But what I've been trying to figure out this weekend is if it'd really be worth it. You see, I don't think I'll regret a minute I spend with Silas as he moves so rapidly towards childhood. But I already regret some of those I've spent away from him. We are lucky to have the luxury of being together, and though I could certainly use some brain exercise beyond parenting books now and then, I don't think I'm ready to jump headlong back into my career so soon. I love kids and I love teaching, and I'd like to have the time to provide my own kid with enriching educational experiences instead of using up all my energy on other people's precious babes.

So I think I'll propose a contractual consultant position, and maybe they'll take me up on it. And if not, maybe the position will be there when the boy-o is a bit older and more in need of some daycare socialization. Or maybe it won't work out. But at least I did it. Finally.