Career?

I had a crappy end to my day at work today, reminding me of the myriad of ways my current job does not quite fit my talents or abilities (and how important it is to have a considerate and aware supervisor...long story.) Coming on the heels of turning down an interview for an associate producer position with a totally corporate previous interviewer and turning down a proposition from another near-miss job living in the redwoods, AND having applied for a more permanent position where I work with little to no discussion about my status or how my maternity might fit into the plan, I'm at a loss. I've been in some sort of employment limbo ever since we've moved, in one way or another, but with the baby coming I'm dreading the idea that I may never be able to get my career back off the ground even to the point I was at in Boston.

I'd rather not be treading water right now, but swimming, ideally in a pond of benefits and 403Bs and paid leave...my pool right now consists of lame wages, no benefits, little responsibility, and a good likelihood that I'll be looking for a better job with a baby in tow if I want any of the benefits I'm needing. But it is hard to contemplate continuing to keep an eye out for the right fit career wise while busting out of my pants and having no idea what will happen or how I'll feel when we become parents. I wish, in a very un-feminist, totally lazy way, that Nat made enough money as a post-doc and that I had enough faith in the future that I could feel comfortable not worrying about it and just plan on playing it by ear, but the truth is I'm realizing that we can't make one salary stretch and still cover the bases, and (more surprisingly) I'm discovering that I'm someone who really needs to be working to feel challenged and fulfilled. I want to teach environmental ed. in a supportive, constructive, and creative environment where my ideas and innovations are appreciated and recognized, while being able to take a vacation now and then and stockpile some retirement money. I also want to raise a happy, confident, inquisitive and loving child. Most importantly, I want (need) to keep growing and learning and doing what I love. And I want it to happen all at once. Is that really too much to ask? Maybe I need to take one of those thought-into-action seminars.