Becoming

Welcome to my new blog! Hopefully you won't have to look at anymore leggy blonds and can actually send me comments. The luxuries...

The last months have been filled with a lot of becomings. I finally became fully employed in May. I have become a real resident of California, now that we've been here for a year. I found out in July that I am also becoming somebody's mother. Just yesterday I became the partner of a "real car" owner (thank goodness I'm not on the registration, I don't know how much more responsibility I can handle.)

The baby is the big one, obviously, so I have a feeling this blog will have a lot to do with this particular becoming in the next months (and years, presumably!) The car is also a big one, since we haven't had a car for over a year and we never in a million thought we'd buy one so new, so far from my usual $2,000 budget, and from a dealer, no less. (I feel more and more American - in debt and lazy - with each passing hour.) But I still don't think the car will give me quite so much fodder for contemplation as this motherhood thing.

It is so wild...really wild...to be pregnant. I still can't quite wrap my head around it, even though I've had 2+ months to get used to the idea. The first bit was categorized by bouts of extreme excitement and paralyzing anxiety. Then came the puking...lots and lots of puking. But as the weeks go by, I seem to be settling more and more into the role of expectant parent. It definitely makes it more real to start telling people. For awhile there, it seemed like a secret than Nat and I had made up for our own little world. I'm sure it'll get even more concrete when I can actually feel the wriggles and kicks. Right now, i'm just starting the get comfortable with the idea that there's someone else in my body who needs a ridiculous amount of protein every day and who really likes to make me puke up my prenatal vitamins.

My coworker is less than thrilled that I insist on calling the baby "the fetus". "Gotta feed the fetus," I quip as I rummage through my ever-expanding snack bag for an apple or a snack bar. "Man, me and the fetus had a rough morning," as I bike into work half an hour late. I figure this kid deserves respect for reaching the fetal milestone. For the most formative weeks the poor thing was just a little embryo. It doesn't help that my ultrasound 2 weeks ago seemed to show a big headed fishy worm with bumps for arms and legs. Where were those teeny finger-and-toenails that were supposed to be developing on the sweet, skinny limbs? The NP swore the fetus looked perfect, just turned away from the probe, but I'm having a little trouble bonding with my limbless, wriggling offspring.

It is really amazing how much technology impacts my whole experience. Any little question or new turn in the road and I've pulled out the laptop - my google drop down goes something like this: "doulas - berkeley, CA", "limb deformities - 12 weeks", "maclaren stollers", "ultrasound images - 14 weeks", "Sciatica", "chiropractors, berkeley, CA", "vegetarian pregnancy", "beans vs. meat - protein", "co-sleepers", "hypnobirthing", "sleeping with cats","toxoplasmosis." For awhile there, even though nobody else knew, I was still able to share in the joys and the worries with bazillions of expectant mothers all over ivillage, yahoo, and other such sites. I haven't gone too crazy with the books, since most of the pregnancy books out there bug the hell out of me. I figure I have anough practical background as a forever baby nanny and enough medical knowhow after teaching women's health for a couple of years. I definitely gravitate towards the biography and natural childbirth, oh, and cookbooks. But between the books and the research, I can definitely see how enlightenment itelf can be a little nervewracking. There is so much that can go wrong (though it often doesn't), and so much beyond control (though staying calm and focused and happy and well-nourished and active and positive and...is all in my power) And there's a lot to learn, as always. I just can't fathom that less than a century ago women would have no clue they were expecting until they figured it out themselves - no tests, no exams, no ultrasounds to date the term. No monthly doctor's visits, no comparison of midwives and obs, no weighing insurance coverages, no hospital vs. homebirth choices, no worry about the brain stem formation in week 5 or the heart monitoring in week 11... it almost seems as though ignorance may indeed be bliss sometimes when I lie in bed and hope to anything that this kid has legs.

But all sarcasm and quips aside, I am thrilled to be begining my journey and adventure becoming a mom. I can't wait to share and teach and grow and play and enjoy this life. I think I am already!