Career?

I had a crappy end to my day at work today, reminding me of the myriad of ways my current job does not quite fit my talents or abilities (and how important it is to have a considerate and aware supervisor...long story.) Coming on the heels of turning down an interview for an associate producer position with a totally corporate previous interviewer and turning down a proposition from another near-miss job living in the redwoods, AND having applied for a more permanent position where I work with little to no discussion about my status or how my maternity might fit into the plan, I'm at a loss. I've been in some sort of employment limbo ever since we've moved, in one way or another, but with the baby coming I'm dreading the idea that I may never be able to get my career back off the ground even to the point I was at in Boston.

I'd rather not be treading water right now, but swimming, ideally in a pond of benefits and 403Bs and paid leave...my pool right now consists of lame wages, no benefits, little responsibility, and a good likelihood that I'll be looking for a better job with a baby in tow if I want any of the benefits I'm needing. But it is hard to contemplate continuing to keep an eye out for the right fit career wise while busting out of my pants and having no idea what will happen or how I'll feel when we become parents. I wish, in a very un-feminist, totally lazy way, that Nat made enough money as a post-doc and that I had enough faith in the future that I could feel comfortable not worrying about it and just plan on playing it by ear, but the truth is I'm realizing that we can't make one salary stretch and still cover the bases, and (more surprisingly) I'm discovering that I'm someone who really needs to be working to feel challenged and fulfilled. I want to teach environmental ed. in a supportive, constructive, and creative environment where my ideas and innovations are appreciated and recognized, while being able to take a vacation now and then and stockpile some retirement money. I also want to raise a happy, confident, inquisitive and loving child. Most importantly, I want (need) to keep growing and learning and doing what I love. And I want it to happen all at once. Is that really too much to ask? Maybe I need to take one of those thought-into-action seminars.

Winter already?

No more rain! I am not ready for the icky nor-cal version of winter to begin. We've been wearing hats and sweaters around the cottage, refusing to turn on the heaters until our lips were blue - which happened yesterday. Today there have already been 5 bouts of rain interspersed with random blinding sun. I ducked into Ross on my way from the bank this morning to wait out one squall and found myself purchasing yet another pair of maternity pants as well as a little head supporter for our hand-me-down carseat. When will the purchasing end!! We're suddenly rolling in baby stuff, which feels odd considering how much more time we have to wait for the little tike. We spent a rainy Sunday poking through and stockpiling a gold mine of baby gear from the folks I used to sit for a cool $100. Infant car seat, snap n' go stroller, snugli carrier, jumper swing, activity mat...the list goes on. Since they've stopped their procreation at 2 boys, and we're pretty confident we're having a little guy, too, we also got a full wardrobe of hand-me-downs from them. I spent the rest of the day washing and sorting onesies and playsuits and blankets and teeny little socks. The baby dresser is already nearly full! I feel sort of guilty about having all this stuff already, but I guess we'll need it. And what a deal...we get a well clothed kid for cheap and they get room in their garage. I wish we had a garage...then I wouldn't have to trip over this empty carseat for four more months!

Nat turned all our compost and planted a cover crop of winter rye in the garden last week...tasks hard for me to let go of as the resident farmer. But I'm supposed to avoid both compost and our neighborhood-kitty-infested soil, and I figured he could use the practice for when I finally convince him to let us move back to the boonies. I'm sad not to have a winter garden this year like we did last year, but I just won't have the time to take care of it. Plus, the painters put so much painting dust in the soil that I don't feel right about planting in it until that crud has leached out. The cover crop and the rain should do that, and will keep it nice and fertile for the Spring, when the baby and I can start a garden together. Until then we're waiting for our Meyer lemons to ripen and are contemplating the prickly pear fruit, which we're still not quite sure what to do with. And the CSA box keeps coming every week, full of squash and greens and other wintery things - like pomegranates. It is amazing to live in a place where pomegranate actually grow. It must be all that rain...

Back to the nature stuff...

I was walking out of the house the other morning and heard a squawking familiar from my days working in the Presido. Parrots? In Berkeley? Yes, indeed there are, and four of them had taken up for the morning in the tree outside our front door. The cats were flabbergasted, but I was oddly comforted. I find those Telegraph Hill parrots so magical. I would see them every day on my route to and from teaching (they tend to start their day in the Presido, move into the Marina later on, and settle in the late afternoon along the Embarcadero), even when my program was moved to Fort Mason I would see them in the mid morning there. The kids were always fascinated by them, so loud and boisterous and always arguing with each other, they were very different from any other birds we ran across on our nature walks.

I ended my parrot day with a fabulous sunset under the Golden Gate. I love that when I walk out of work at the Marina now that the time has changed I get this postcard-perfect sunset view. A great blue heron was standing guard in the brickyard cove as I left, watching over scads of ducks, egrets, geese, and sandpipers. Quite a birdy day.

All the nature had me ready for more. I had had a minor freak-out the night before that I had not yet been to Utah or Hawaii or Montana or even Yosemite and now that I'm about to be a Mom, I may not get to go anywhere on my terms for quite awhile. So Nat and I took my weekend as an opportunity to at least hit the easy target - we drove out to Yosemite on a whim early yesterday morning. It was nothing like I had expected...the Valley at least. Then again, 'm not sure what I expected. I was blown away by the town-ness of it all, the hospital and grocery store and miles of biking paths. Nevermind all the campgrounds and cabins and hotels. I'm glad I got to see it with relatively few people around, I can't imagine how crowded it must get in the summer. We saw all the classics - waterfalls, crazy climbers making their way up Half Dome, even a couple of bucks vying for dominance in one of the meadows. We contemplated the shear terror of an unexpected fall from Glacier Point and wondered how the 70 year-old drivers really navigated their enormous RVs up and down the mountain passes. We took it easy, but I enjoyed just being around some tall trees and clear water. We had a bear at our campsite last night, though we were already stowed away in our tent, so all we heard or saw were the shouts of "GO AWAY, BEAR" from our neighbors (the rangers coach you in the correct phrasing) and what seemed like zillions of LED headlamps bouncing off the tent walls. We had a coyote wander over tp the car this morning, showing no interest whatsoever in my pretend yelps and calls of "Howdy, coyote!" Nature, as glimpsed through a car window.

Belly

Here's a pic of the belly, for those of you who've been asking. The baby is already measuring a week-and-a-half ahead of schedule, so we may have a big one in the works!

Movie Theaters or BBC on Netflix?

I'm not a fan of movies in theaters. I'm claustrophobic, so I freak when a movie is sold out. I walked into Brokeback Mountain to walk right out. I hate when people talk (or type, in Nat's case) through movies in my own living room, much less all around me in stereo. I don't like the expense, the noise, the brightness of the screen, pretty much everything. And yet, I'm discovering that the movie theater is a nice escape now that parties, raucous bars, and long concert nights are less enjoyable. But only certain theaters.

A couple of weeks ago we saw "The Departed" in Berkeley. The movie seemed over-hyped and full of holes to me, but Leo was lovely. That theater was cool because there was a balcony to sit in. I love balconies because they get you away from all the people and usually offer a better view of the screen. The Capitol in Arlington, MA had the best balconies - just a few seats tucked up high away from the throngs. Actually , the other great thing about the Capitol was that there were hardly ever any throngs, and they put REAL BUTTER on the popcorn. Which brings me to food. We went to the new Cerrito Theater last weekend to see "Little Miss Sunshine." The theater was just opened by the same folks who run the Parkway Speakeasy Theater in Oakland, one of the comfy-est and tastiest places to watch a movie.You can order dinner, get a pitcher of great beer or a bottle of wine, and sink into a couch in front of the big screen. Like being at home without any of the work and souped up audio/visual. The Cerrito is even better because it is new, clean, and close. Even closer, though, is the one "regular" (ie. corporate conglomerate with new releases) theater I will tolerate.Yesterday, we went there to see "Borat." It reminded me why I don't like going to movies. It was expensive, the $6 popcorn kicked my reflux into a higher gear, the theater was so crowded that even the comfy reclining seats didn't take the edge off, and on top of everything the movie was awful. And no, not awful because it was racist and sexist and over the top raunchy, but just really awful.

So here I am, back to my futon, a cozy cat, and whatever comes next with Netflix. Will it be the next season of "Coupling"? A redeeming "Ali G" collection? Some "Pride and Prejudice"? How can a country with only 5 channels create such enjoyable t.v.?

Here at home...

Pregnancy REALLY lowers your immune system. I have the added bonus of working with raw fish and small children every day, so my exposure to icky bacteria and bugs is pretty high. I'm staying at home today, trying to remind myself to take care of my body. I've had a cold creep up on me the last couple of days that started with minor sneezing and sore throat and has progressed rapidly to body cramping, a long, fitfull night, and the inability to keep any food down since lunch yesterday. So, even though the Veteran's Day holiday tomorrow already leaves me with one less day of pay for this week already, I'm taking another one today to try to wipe out this bug before it blossoms into another month-long cold like the one I had during my first trimester. I do hate feeling like I need to "give in" to my body so much lately. I feel really out of control, not being able to eat what I want or sleep when I want or work a full freakin' work week! And there are still 4 months to go...

There's not too much to do here in the cottage except the things I've been avoiding - cleaning, bills, planning for the next year, that sort of stuff. TV works very well for keeping me numbed and resting, but we really need to cut the cord on the cable soon. The poor baby will be well attuned to "A Baby Story" and the "70's Show" re-runs before ever leaving the womb. I've been listening to a lot of NPR this morning and reading a backlog of newspaper political commentary on the elections. I'm cautiously optimistic (very cautiously.) It fun to vote in Berkeley...getting to impeach the president and spend billions of other people's money on education reforms. Seems like the commercial campaigns played a much bigger role in the outcomes of the bond measures than any real facts, which is a bummer.

Time to take the meager medicine I can and maybe get some fresh air in the garden...wish my life and brain activity were more active!

Ultrasonic

Here are some pictures of the little pea and me, as promised - beautiful little foot floating in space, crazy zombie head and big belly, and me.

Oh, yeah, it was Halloween!

Now that the internet seems to work, here are some SCARY images from our lightening-quick pumpkin carving on All Hallow's Eve. We pulled out the spoons and knives after work and whipped out these masterpieces with seconds to spare before the first costumed kids were upon us. They shed a spooky light on our gleamingly primed porch to serve as a beacon to our construction-impaired cottage -it is in the process of being painted and all the windows are covered up and painting stuff strewn all around. We had a lot of trick-or-treaters, despite the painting. I love seeing all the neighborhood kids dressed up and excited to dig through the bowl for their favorites. We got to chat with a lot of the neighbors and remind ourselves how much we love living in this part of town - there's so much diversity in age and income and culture. This year we didn't run out of candy and have to shut off the porch light and hide like last year. Phew. But we didn't make it into the Castro like last year, either. Good thing, I hear, since people apparently died??! That makes for a REALLY scary Halloween.